I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.