I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
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Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”