I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.