If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I love it all
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.