None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
You Might Also Like
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.