Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks