BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
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Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.