Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Here’s a meme
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.