I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If only.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
she has a point
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.