Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.