If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
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the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.