You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!