The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*aggressively waits in line*
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet