Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft