luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better