Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
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Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
When the stylist spins you back around
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!