it is time once again
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PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
This is my favorite one of these!