my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
You Might Also Like
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Most fashion shows these days…
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.