I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
San Francisco has too many rules
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*