7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.