Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.