If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
How do you like your Corgi?
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.