Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
me when i see my girls butt
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.