“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Blew out my flip flop…
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.