Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————