“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.