I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I like long walks away from everyone
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR