[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Spring cleaning checklist…
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Herpes is trending, good job people
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn