Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Many hands make light work
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.