Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.