[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
the composer
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Wait for it
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
When I snag the last meatball.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Smile they said.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter