me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
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COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Received some very disappointing news today
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Good morning y’all ☀️
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car