Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.