Ion see the issue
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.