Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.