Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
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Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?