me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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