“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer