To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Never ghost your hitman.
I thought this was funny lol
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.