I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
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7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.