why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
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*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face