If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]