If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Only short people can save us
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
What even happened today?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?