I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Worst perfume name ever.
*exercises sarcastically*
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Finally! 😈
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches