[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I think my mom just blocked me
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me trying to walk in a dream
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH