Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If snakes were wide
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.