I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
A family that plays together cheats.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”