It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.