I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Saturday
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die