3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
You Might Also Like
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I feel this so hard
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
why am I working on Labor Day
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff